Ugh, selfishness. I just had a “wrestling with the Lord” over my
selfishness. It was a crazy bout. It all started when I was showering one
morning. I was praying about my love for people and I realized that I was a
terribly selfish person. I would never have pegged myself as that, but I guess
it’s one of those sins that likes to hide behind a good façade and just peeks
out to show you what a hideous heart you hide every now and again.
Actually, I guess it really
started when I heard Josh Shirey’s sermon on humility the Sunday before. The
main points I took away from his sermon were as follows:
1.
I am not
called to simply “tolerate” my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have to love
them, with no false pretenses, no two-facedness, no rivalry or ANY negative
motives. It’s an absolute command to do NOTHING out of selfishness. Philippians
2:3. (Wow, ouch. That made me realize I practically do 0 things out of love.
What a punch in the stomach.)
2.
Humility
isn’t something you wake up and decide, “Well, it seems like a sort of humble
day today, so I guess I’ll be humble today.” Pride can harbor false humility.
It can turn into a vicious cycle of deferring or purposefully making a decision
to put another before yourself, which therefore can easily turn into “I’m such
a great guy!” and therefore, no humility is birthed. We must have a constant
mindset, that all our actions, thoughts, motives, words flow out of… a mindset
of “I’m 100% convinced that that person is more important than me.” It’s an act
of love, and an act of service. When I think of humility through love, it
doesn’t seem like it could be hidden by selfishness. If I love someone they way
I ought to, I will seek to serve them and put their needs before my own. I will
love to do it. It would be my honor and joy.
So, anyways, that was awesome
stuff to hear. And I prayed that it might start sinking in and changing my
heart where it needed to. This is where we get to the shower part. So, I
realize that I have hideous selfishness in my heart, bred deep inside. It
needed to be uprooted and thrown aside. It needed to be killed. I didn’t
understand the full extent of this at the moment I thought it, but I believe it
was a divine intervention. In my head I’m thinking, “Umm, I can’t think of any
selfishness that has been pervading my life for a long time, so how is it such
a big deal?” So, to hear something tell my soul that something I didn’t even
realize was there needed to be done away with, I knew it was God’s sweet
Fathering hand. And I also knew that it was not going to be fun. Like I said, I
didn’t understand the full extent at the moment I knew it had to be done away
with, but I knew that when some old pattern had to be removed, it was usually
done with tears and prayer and anger and heartache and sorrow and finally,
release. I also knew that if I wanted to truly love and serve people, this old
nastiness needed to be removed to make way for the new seeds to fall and grow
and bloom.
This is where the wrestling comes
in. I think the part where I realized it was a Monday morning and the sermon
that planted the seed was the previous Sunday. So Monday, I start getting deep
into the Word every morning before work and at night before bed. And I’m
constantly praying. But there’s a new feeling: one of deep and bitter hatred of
myself. That’s not from God, I’m pretty sure. And I keep crying out to Him, but
I hear no answer. By the end of the week I am in misery. And it doesn’t feel
like a misery of letting go of the old to make way for the new. Because the old
is still clinging to me and I don’t feel like God is anywhere close by. So, I
am fighting God. I’m praying something like this, “God! I’m doing everything right! I am praying
constantly, giving up my selfishness 100 times a day, trying to love people and
serve even people I don’t know. What are You not around???? Why have you not
helped me out with this yet??? I need You!!!” And I’m quite worked up. After
crying myself to sleep for like the third night in a row, and especially after
reading the story of Achan and Joshua (Josh. 7)—in which I knew I could very
easily be Achan—I decided to ask for help. (Why is it we don’t ask for help
from our brothers and sisters more often? I know for me it’s pride. But I
encourage you, if you have deep and painful struggles, share them with a friend
you trust who loves you and will pray with and for you. It’s such a comfort and
encouragement and it helps us believers draw closer to each other and to
Christ.) Anyways, I text Esther (one of my best friends and my future sister in
law!) and ask to do a brain map with her. (I will write a end note about brain
maps, so go to the bottom to read more.) She, of course, says yes so I go over
there the next afternoon. I color my brain map and we sit down to talk about
it. I tell her everything I’ve been dealing with all week long (this is the
Friday after this crazy week of misery).
Here is what we uncovered:
1.
My words
went unchecked for too long, leading to a pattern of saying demeaning, shallow,
mean things about the people around me. Whether it be something/someone I see
on TV, a friend, a sister, whoever, I was allowing salt water to come out of my
mouth and cut down the people around me. Love? I think not. The Devil working
in my heart? I think so. We also discovered some other things that were passed
down in my family that needed to be dealt with, that is, my past.
2.
The reason I
felt so alone all week, without God’s guidance, was because though I was doing
all the “right things,” I was still relying on myself. I hadn’t truly given my
selfish heart to God to change it. I had confessed, and then tried to do
everything on my own. That is why every time I would catch myself saying mean
things again, I would get so angry with myself. Because I was looking to myself
for righteousness. And I have none. Holly Collins has zero ability to look
inside and find righteousness to live by. It’s just not possible. Esther called
it my “Stronghold of Self.” The scary thing about this whole thing was that I
didn’t even realize it was happening. I was masquerading as God in my heart. I
was praying and doing all the right actions, but I was looking to myself,
lifting myself up as the one to change. It was all internal, God was not really
involved at all. What a heart wrenching reality! I was so sad that I had not
included God at all. I was pegged with another mark in selfishness.
Guys, the reason I’m writing this
blog is kind of crazy. I like to always be right, okay? So, to me this blog is
opening up my heart to you so that you know that God restores and changes and
brings light where there is darkness. (This goes against my desire to always be
right in front of everyone!) But that’s not all. Yes, God does all the work to
restore and illuminate, but you must answer His call with repentance and a
desire to see Him move and work in you. It’s painful sometimes, yes, but
ultimately glorious and joyous. So, here’s the part of my story where I FINALLY
let God in to change me.
As soon as these realizations hit
me, the stronghold of self, the hidden past sins that still have effect on me
today, I cried first of all, but second of all, I prayed. Oh, it felt so good
to really pray! After a week of
trying to pray but really lifting up self, it was a refreshing swim in cool and
clear water. I confessed to God that I had been self-serving and 100% in love
with myself. I confessed that even though I tried to do right, it was always
wrong (like the time Jesse wanted to go eat somewhere, I wanted to eat
somewhere else, and it was impossible for me to lay down self and go eat where
he wanted to eat. It was hideous; I had to have my own way). It somehow heals
to be vulnerable before your Heavenly Father, to show Him your wounds and have
Him clean them all up. I love the time when He brings us to the end of
ourselves and it’s just confession time, the struggle is over, the pain is so
great, the burden is unbearable, and it’s time to give it up. Oh goodness, it’s
a blessed time! What a relief! I
confessed my two-faced ways, of having salt water come out where fresh water
was supposed to, having a killing sword for a tongue (James 3). I commanded the
power of darkness that holds onto my heart and the people’s hearts around me to
get out, it no longer had the power over our hearts and tongues, we are
children of the living God and His children bear light, not darkness. Darkness
has no power over us. I prayed for clean hands, a clean heart, a heart of love
and purity and truth. Afterwards, Esther said, “What do you feel like now?” I
said, “I think God is smiling and saying ‘Finally!’”
BRAIN MAPS: Esther has been trained
in therapy using brain maps. At first, I thought she was crazy. I was like “How
can me coloring the brain map tell you what’s going on in there? They are just
colors.” Now I’m a believer. I believe God created our brains amazingly and
intricately. I choose the colors based on my mood and they represent something
or the other that’s going on in my brain: sometimes full and healthy, and
sometimes dark and sinful. I believe they work because all the times I’ve
colored them and talked with Esther about what she sees, there has been sins
revealed through the questions asked and through God’s enlightenment. There
have been deep wounds healed and sins brought out that needed forgiveness and
new life that I could see and praise God for. Brain maps are wonderful tools
that God can use to bring much change and glory to His name. If you’d like to
know more, please ask me! :)
I wrote this originally on June 29, 2012
I wrote this originally on June 29, 2012
